The damp street is in eerie half light, either dawn or dusk I figure as I look desparately in both directions, my pulse racing, the hair on the back of my neck standing on end. Perhaps I have lost him? A plane roars menacingly overhead and I spin around, why is it so close to the building tops? Where can I be that has an airport so close? Up the road a shadow moves silently towards me inducing a shudder, it is him, of course I never lost him. He is ubiquitous, everywhere. Yet nowhere too; surrounding us and influencing everything we do, like an evil and malevolent god punishing us for sins committed in the past. The shadow grows larger and eventually he rounds the bend, his gigantic cartoon eyes and limp grin leer at me from down the street and then he speaks to me, in his high pitched whine, like Piers from the New Statesmen only more unsettling.
-Gary, I don’t know why they don’t go four at the back.
The terror runs through me like a lightening bolt and I am frozen to the spot, and then I am back at school. Standing at the front of class, a copy of To Kill a Mocking Bird in my hand, it is my turn, I must read aloud but everyone is staring at me, half in horror and half in childish schoolboy amusement. As I begin to scan blurred words on the page my eye is caught by something limp dangling just behind the book, it can’t be, can it? Letting the book drop to my side I look down at my completely naked body, why is this happening to me? A light giggle turns to howling laughter, coming from all around the room and then the chanting starts, that same mantra with accompanying handclaps,
-Braeburn’s a wanker! Braeburn’s a wanker! Braeburn’s a wanker!
The rage builds inside me and I snap, enough is enough. And then somehow I am back in the street and he is almost upon me, as my blood boils I scream at him, stopping him in his tracks just 10 feet away,
-No Lawro! NO!!!
I move towards him, he turns and desperately tries to run away, suddenly the pursuer has become the pursued. Half running, half falling he evades me when out of nowhere a truck appears and there is no escape, we will both be crushed for sure.... and then.... BANG. I am sat bolt upright in bed, sweat dripping off of me, I rub my face and take a deep breath, it’s ok. It’s OK, I say to myself, it is just another bad Lawro dream.
Fulham v Arsenal
Plenty of agreement between me and ‘Lawro’ this week starting with the lunchtime game at Craven Cottage. Arsenal were poor last weekend and then gubbed Fenerbahce on Wednesday night. Fulham meanwhile managed a rare away win at Sunderland last weekend and are always tough at home. This looks like another frustrating weekend for the Gooners.
My Prediction 1-1
Lawro’s Prediction 1-1
Everton v Baggies
West Brom were so bad last week that even crappy Southampton managed to turn them over, I predict a tough season for Steve Clarke’s side with Lukaku looking a big loss. Everton may be slightly destabilised by Mini-Ferg’s continued attempts to snatch their two best players away but I still think that at home they will have way too much quality for the Baggies.
MP 2-0
LP 2-1
Hull v Norwich
Yawnitty yawn. Hull will be hard to score against at home but are unlikely to threaten a Norwich team now comfortable in their Premiership surroundings. This is one to fast forward on MOTD.
MP 0-0
LP 1-1
LP 1-1
Newcastle v West Ham
Doom and gloom surround Newcastle and Big Sam Alllardyce will relish putting one over his old club. Expect boos to be ringing out around St James Park come 5pm Saturday. This is one of only two games that ‘Lawro’ and I disagree on this week.
MP 1-2
LP 2-1
LP 2-1
Saints v Sunderland
Like their neighbours Sunderland are in for a season of struggle and Saints will follow up their fine opening day win with another 3 points here. With new striker Osvaldo likely to make his debut St Mary’s will be rocking and Mauricio Pochettino’s team will cruise home. Having said all that ‘Lawro’ thinks Saints will win this and that normally spells disaster...
MP 3-0
LP 2-0
Stoke v Palace
Another one to skip during the highlights. All I can hope is for a few key decisions to go against Palace so that Ian Holloway can continue his ‘poor me’ post match interview technique.
MP 1-0
LP 2-0
Villa v Liverpool
Hansen has clearly (possibly) administered his weekly chinese burn to force ‘Lawro’ to predict a Liverpool win again this week. However after only narrowly defeating Stoke this trip to a much improved Villa will be a tricky assignment. Should be a good game though.
MP 2-2
LP 1-2
Cardiff v City
Pellegrino's City stuffed Newcastle out of sight on Monday and there is absolutely no reason why they will not do the same to Cardiff. Although the Blue/Redbirds will perhaps sneak a consolation to give themselves false hope for the coming weeks.
MP 1-3
LP 0-2
Spurs v Swansea
Tottenham look pretty awesome this season and with Bale nearing the exit at White Hart Lane this will be a morale boosting victory for the Spurs faithful.
MP 3-0
LP 2-0
Man U v Chelsea
The first pointer towards the potential destination of the Premiership title, these games are tight at the best of times and with this one coming so early in the season neither side will want to give anything away. Watching these two combustible managers on the touchline could be more interesting than events on the pitch.
MP 1-1
LP 1-1
NB. Note that ‘Lawro’ once again predicts no more than 2 goals for any one team. Coward.
Read BBC Football ‘Expert’ Mark Lawrenson’s full predictions here:
And follow me on Twitter: @marcusbraeburn
Current Scores
Lawro - 11 points
Marcus - 5 points
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