“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing”
(Edmund Burke 1729-1797)
Mark Lawrenson was born in 1957, and as far as I can tell did nothing of note for the first 50 or so years of his life. His reign of terror over the fixtures in English football’s top flight began just a few short years ago; but many of us are now so scarred from Lawro’s imbecilic predictions that we no longer remember the days when the grass was still green, the air still fresh, the BBC free of it’s supposed ‘football expert’. Predicting that Southampton would lose about 1000 games in a row and having the hilarious QPR finishing in the top half were just two of his heinous crimes last season and I, Marcus Braeburn have had enough.
This year I will go head to head with ‘Lawro’ if indeed that is his name, it will be no holds barred, hand to hand, full contact, prediction based combat. You know the rules, 3 points for a correct score, 1 point for the correct outcome (12X), and the man with the most points come the end of the season... WINS. Below are the first weeks games, my predictions first and then ‘Lawro’s’ underneath. You will notice that ‘Lawro’ is a coward and never predicts more than two goals for anybody, in general he uses the ‘who is higher in the league/finished higher in the league last season’ system. Let battle commence.
Predictions 17th-19th August
Liverpool v Stoke
Obviously ‘Lawro’ goes for a Liverpool win, perhaps Alan Hansen (AH) forces him to do this? Who knows. Personally I reckon Stoke might struggle this season, Mark Hughes has consistently proved that he is not up to managing in the Prem and this trend should continue. Having said that Liverpoo were crap at home last year and it is difficult to see where the goals will come from on Saturday lunchtime.
My Prediction 0-0
Lawro’s Prediction 1-0
Arsenal v Villa
Agreement of sorts here, even though Arsenal have failed to drag anyone through the transfer window thus far, they should still be too good for Aston Villa. Expect Christian Benteke to grab a goal at some point to make it interesting.
MP 3-1
LP 2-0
Norwich v Everton
‘Lawro’ hates Everton (possibly) and is likely to predict defeat for them every single week. Roberto Martinez is a good bloke and should do well with the Toffees and while Norwich will score more goals this year it could take a few games for the amazing new strikeforce of Gary ‘Carl’ Hooper and Ricky van Wolfewhistle to gel.
MP 1-1
LP 2-1
Sunderland v Fulham
Meh, who cares about this really. It would be nice if Sunderland struggle just to see if Paulo di Canio will self destruct on the touchline. Sadly Fulham are the worst away team in the Universe and so the Black Cats will probably win this by a whisker.
MP 1-0
LP 1-1
Baggies v Saints
‘Lawro’ is back at his best here mercilessly predicting defeat for Southampton. This is the 1001st time in a row he has done this. He just doesn’t think about it. Rickie Lambert will be flying high after Wednesday and along with a couple of good signings Mauricio Pochettino’s side should do better this year. Besides the Baggies hammered Saints in April (or something) when Lukaku tore them a new one, revenge will be sweet.
MP 1-2
LP 2-1
LP 2-1
West Ham v Cardiff
More disturbing agreement here, Cardiff will keep it tight but according to what I heard somewhere at some point they are the least entertaining team to come up since, well, West Ham last year. Expect Kevin Nolan to bounce one in off an arse cheek in an almighty goal mouth scramble, it’s going to be ugly.
MP 1-0
LP 2-0
LP 2-0
Swansea v Man Utd
Oooh, what a tough start to the Red Devils. It will be interesting to see how quickly David Moyes turns from likeable (if extremely scary) manager of Everton to whingeing-conspiracy-theorist-siege-mentality-creating megalomaniac (and extremely scary) manager of Manchester United. It might take United a couple of weeks to find their feet and this match against the excellently run Swansea does look like a toughie. ‘Lawro’ agrees, but naturally goes for a much more conservative scoreline. Coward.
MP 2-2
LP 1-1
Palace v Spurs
Bale, Madrid, blah, blah, blah. Spurs will be looking to drop the two points that eventually costs them Champions League qualification for next season on the first day of this campaign. Nah, they’ll do alright really, and if the disillusioned Welsh loyalty vacuum ends up staying and getting his head down, they might even make the top three; you heard it here first. ‘Lawro’ plays the who finished higher last season card here but he is wrong, Ian Holloway’s Palace are doomed to relegation this season but will upset a few apple carts along the way starting with AVB’s on Sunday.
MP 1-1
LP 1-2
LP 1-2
Chelsea v Hull
The Blues normally get a really easy fixture against a promoted team on the opening weekend and this year it is no different, expect The Ego’s head to be more swollen than usual after this fish/shooting/barrel mismatch. The Hull ?Tigers? should really have sacked Steve Bruce in May after nearly fucking up automatic promotion on the last day of the season and also being tactically as out of his depth in the top flight as Sparky Marky Hughes. Just because you played under Alex Ferguson doesn’t mean you can manage like him, expect Bruce to have morphed into Gus Poyet by the end of October.
MP 4-0
LP 2-0
LP 2-0
Citeh v Newcastle
Kerpow! Complete agreement between me and Alan H.. sorry ‘Lawro’. I hope this is the last time it ever happens, god I feel sick. Expect a fizzing encounter at the Etihad as Manuel Pelligrino’s team round off the weekend’s action with a sparkling show of strength on Monday night.
MP 2-0
LP 2-0
Read BBC Football ‘Expert’ Mark Lawrenson’s full predictions here:
And follow me on Twitter: @marcusbraeburn
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